October 29, 2009 — In the 1986 remake of the classic horror film “The Fly,” Jeff Goldblum plays a scientist who, while testing his molecule-scrambling new invention, “the telepods” (not to be confused with the Teletubbies, which were a different kind of horror), accidentally gets his genes spliced with that of a common housefly.

Although the initial side-effects are surprisingly good — amazing energy, increased strength, and a tendency to walk around the first half of the movie without his shirt on — eventually, science (and the plot) catches up with the Goldblum, and he starts sprouting unsightly hairs in the weirdest of places, spitting weird bodily fluids, and things begin falling off of him.

In my world, this is called middle age.

Although in a previous column I had committed to write one column a day this week dedicated to the annual spookshow that is Halloween (mwah-ha-ha), due to circumstances beyond my control, Tuesday’s column was not run until yesterday, leaving me one column behind in the deal.

So, borrowing a note from “The Fly,” I’ve opted to fuse two separate columns — “Best Horror Films Ever” and “Worst Horror Films Ever” into one genetically spliced column, “Best Worst Horror Films Ever.”

Impossible, you say? Behold, my creation:

There are good horror movies — the kind that raise the hair on the back of your neck and have you peeking under the couch to make sure the boogeyman’s not waiting for you to let your guard down — and then there are bad horror movies, the kind that are neither scary nor particularly engaging.

“Jerry Maguire” comes to mind.

And then there are the kind of horror movies that transcend good or bad — the kind that are so awful, so dreadful, so .... inarticulately odious that they fly off the scales of “bad” and somehow loop back into being “good,” like a roller coaster jumping a missing segment of track and landing — against all odds of physics — safely on another track, without missing a beat.

These are those movies.

The movies that are so bad for one reason or another, they almost ....ALMOST become enjoyable not in spite of, but because of their ineptitude and wretchedness.

While I can’t say I endorse any the following movies personally, I will embarrassingly admit that I have watched many of them, just to see for myself if they were as bad as I’d heard.

They were, and in many cases, they were much-much worse, becoming borderline enjoyable for their sheer mock-worthiness.

Enjoy, at your own risk:



“Killer Klowns From Outer Space”

This cotton-candy colored curiosity is exactly what it sounds like — a race of über creepy-looking clown-like aliens descend (where else) but in a small town to harvest the townsfolk as food.

How does this one stink? Let me count the ways.

Released in the late ‘80’s, the creepy clown/alien designs look painfully crude by today’s standards, carrying guns which fire cotton candy (this is sadly, not an exaggeration) that wrap up their hapless victims who are later consumed (through a Krazy Straw — again, sadly, not an exaggeration).

By the time the clown’s circus tent-shaped spaceship begins to take off and the protagonist defeats the Godzilla-sized clown by popping his nose with a pin (!!!), the few who are still watching this bizarre piece of work will wonder if they’re experiencing intelligence-deprived hallucinations. I know I was ...



“Black Sheep”

If you’ve ever wondered if there’s a movie floating around out there about rampaging, murderous sheep (and let’s be honest, who hasn’t?), “Black Sheep” answers that question in a big way, “Yes, and it’s very, very baa-a-a-a-ad.”

In a nutshell, “Black Sheep” involves a young man returning to the family sheep farm in New Zealand to re-engage himself in the family business.

Oh, he also happens to be pathologically afraid of sheep (sheepophobia?) and, in this case, he (and the audience) have reason to be as there is a strain of genetically modified sheep about with a ravenous hunger for human beings.

Not only this, but to make matters worse, those who are bitten by said carnivorous sheep and survive themselves wind up transforming into (and here’s a word I never thought I’d use in a column) “were-sheep.”

Although technically impressive, there’s little getting around the absurdity of watching a flock of sheep descend like a pack of wolves on unsuspecting farmers, or the groans induced the first time one hears a were-sheep howl/baa.

The horror, the horror ....



“Squirm”

Perhaps the worst in the “nature strikes back” horror movies of the 1970’s, “Squirm” tells the tale of one stormy night in Fly Creek, Ga., when the city’s power lines are knocked down, pumping kilowatt after kilowatt of electricity into the ground, and — somehow — transforming the small town’s underground supply of fish bait into aggressive, malevolent flesh-eaters.

Even more ludicrous than the idea of a were-sheep are packs (literally packs) of fanged worms, luring the town’s hillbilly populace to their doom. I would like to think, if I happened to see a pile of worms the size of a Volkswagon slowly shambling down the street, I’d have the good sense to get out of the way.

But then again, I’m not from Georgia.



“The Gingerdead Man”

Starring former Oklahoman Gary Busey, “The Gingerdead Man” is the story of a killer (Busey, and I don’t just mean killing his career with this movie, either) who is sent to the electric chair, but swears revenge (of course).

Years later, his ashes are sent to his mother who puts them into a gingerbread mix (!!!!!) and sends them to the daughter of the family that helped send him to the electric chair.

Not knowing where said gingerbread mix came from, the daughter mixes it up, and when a clumsy bakery worker cuts himself and bleeds into the mix, the stage is set for the “Gingerdead man” to rise. From the oven, technically, to seek revenge and kill everyone in sight.

A GINGERBREAD MAN.

Where, oh where, to begin with this one? Bad acting, bad puns (”shut your pie hole”), horrible special effects (Busey’s “Gingerdead man” is clearly a hand puppet shot from below to try and give him the illusion of menace) (it fails), and scenes that are beyond ridiculous — someone falling on the ground and wrestling with a foot-tall gingerbread man puppet??

If it were possible, I’d suggest Busey’s Oscar be revoked for this movie alone, and don’t even get me started on the sequel .....